We all had it drummed into us from an early age. Play nice with your brother. Sit at the table nicely. Be nice to your classmates.

And then we carried it straight into our careers, where "be nice" became the single most effective way to ensure nothing ever changes.

Before you assume I'm giving you permission to be a jerk, that's not what this is. Working respectfully together, even when you don't particularly like your coworkers, is what separates great leaders from average ones. But there's a critical difference between being nice and being kind — and most organizations are stuck on the wrong side of it.

The Nice Trap

I was working with the leadership team of a healthcare company who described their culture as "family-centric." Long tenure was the norm — 15-plus years wasn't unusual. People got along. It was pleasant. It was, by every measure, nice.

But the cracks were showing. Complacency had taken hold. Innovation was stalling. The creativity needed to stay competitive wasn't there. And when we dug into why, the answer was uncomfortable: feedback — especially the tough kind — wasn't part of the culture. Candor and debate on business issues didn't happen. Teams worked around less effective employees rather than holding them accountable or coaching them through the gap.

The business consequence was a steady decline in market share, initially blamed on external conditions. But the real problem was internal: a culture so committed to being nice that it had made honest conversation impossible.

The Supporter Problem

In my Relationship Ecosystem™ framework, this is what a Supporter-based organization looks like. Supporters are pleasant colleagues. They're encouraging, helpful, and reliable — when things are going well. They'll give you advice when you ask for it. They won't rock the boat.

But when the pressure increases, Supporters go quiet. They don't take personal risk to tell you what you need to hear. They tell you what you want to hear — and leave you in exactly the same place you started.

A Supporter gives you the feedback that feels good. An Ally gives you the feedback that does good.

An organization built on Supporter relationships experiences false harmony: pleasant on the surface, stagnant underneath. Short-term results look fine. Long-term, you're losing ground and nobody's saying it out loud.

Don't Be Nice. Be Kind.

Being nice is comfortable. Being kind requires courage. It means sharing the message that might sting because not sharing it leaves the other person — or the organization — in a far worse position.

An Ally will address a conflict situation head-on before it damages the relationship. An Ally will find the right time, place, and way to deliver tough feedback — and then won't leave you hanging. They'll help you navigate what comes next.

That healthcare company? When the leadership team saw the Supporter dynamic for what it was, they recognized that they had created the culture of silence. If change was going to happen, they had to lead the way — not by being less nice, but by being more honest. More candid. More kind.

Your success, and the success of your organization, depends on having people around you who are willing to be truth-sayers. People who challenge the status quo and provide the feedback that's needed, not just the feedback that's easy. That someone needs to be you.

Choose to be an Ally. Choose kind over nice.

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Morag Barrett is the bestselling author of Cultivate: The Power of Winning Relationships and You, Me, We: Why We All Need a Friend at Work. She works with leaders and teams to build the workplace relationships and leadership behaviors that drive trust and results. Learn more at SkyeTeam.com.

By Morag Barrett

Keywords: Leadership, Management

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